Coping with Pain

If I were you I wouldn't read this blog. It's pretty depressing and not very happy. I just need to get something out of my system.

I recieved a phone call from my dad this morning informing me that my 15-year old cousin, Jeff passed away last night. I hurt right now. I know I shouldn't sound so bitter but that's all I can think of to say. I've only dealt with death once before and that was last September when a friend of mine from work got killed in a car accident. I cried for a few days thinking of how much I would miss his laugh, but I got through it. This is so much harder. There is a pain inside this time and I can't get it to go away. I've been crying all day and the moments that I catch my breath for a second and stop the tears, I wish I were crying. It's as if I'm afraid of not crying. Which I guess I can understand because laying out the waterworks feels good. Heather explained it pretty well when she told my little sister, Andrea, that sometimes people don't like to be happy when someone has died because it feels like you are forgetting about them when you are happy. She hit it right on the nose. I don't want to be happy right now. It doesn't feel good to be happy. It hurts too much and then come the tears afterward. And why isn't anyone else in my family like that. How can they all cry for a while and then go back to being happy a few hours later. Is it just my way of dealing with the pain? Is it wrong for me to just want to be alone and cry until eventually the pain dissapears?